Straight Between the Sheets

Here’s a little bit of nostalgia.

Of all the articles I’ve written, my article Straight Between the Sheets holds a special spot in my heart. Not only was it my first time writing for queer media it just so happened to be my first was my first-ever cover feature. It goes without saying a special thanks needs to be given to a personal hero of mine, the former Queensland Pride editor, photographer and activist, the late Iain Clacher.

While the inspiration for the article mostly came from a previous relationship, back in its day, the content did spark quite a heated debate. Looking back now, there are definitely some things that I’d change, but I guess after all these years, you grow as a person and as a writer. But for shits and giggles here it is…

Straight Between the Sheets

I like my men straight. Recently when I was dating an openly gay male, he was shocked at how many of my friends asked surprised, “You’re gay?”

Some think the attraction is the want of attaining what we can’t have, but for me, it’s like dating your best mate, and you don’t risk sleeping with someone half of Brisbane has slept with.

I like blokey things like footy and camping, and because of this, I’m a straight bloke’s best gay mate.
Straight guys are like gremlins. To date them, you have to follow a few rules, so you don’t risk a monster bursting out of something otherwise cute and cuddly.

It must be noted there are dangers risked when sleeping with straight men. He might flip out with guilt or disgust and leave you a beaten mess because he simply likes penis and can’t admit to it.

So remember, always be careful, and know who you’re getting into bed with.

Don’t be too intense

Straight guys are used to having gay guys throwing themselves at them. When you do the opposite, they begin to question what’s wrong, and before you know it, they’re the ones wanting to constantly hang out watching DVDS and drinking. After the initial hanging out has started, they start asking questions about sexuality and showing a bi-curious vibe.

Let them know it’s okay to have thoughts about the same sex. But don’t forget to throw a compliment here and there. They’re like Leos. They love the egos being stroked, amongst, er, other things.

Rule 2
Never Instigate

“Treat them mean and keep them keen” is your motto. When you’re not acting like every gay guy, they start questioning. I always assure them if anything is going to happen, they would have to instigate it. And trust me, they always do.

This usually happens after a night of drinking, and they pop the question. The first time I reply with, “Are you sure? I don’t want things to get weird.”
They reply with, “Maybe it’s not a good idea.” But 99 per cent of the time, on the next visit, they’ll ask once more, and suddenly your friendship has taken the next level into a physical relationship.

One minute you’re giving a massage because they’re sore from training, and then next you’re massaging more than their back.

Rule 3
Be patient and non-confronting

If they get over the fact they have just committed a sexual act with the same sex, and see past what society demands of the typical male, you’re in.
Give them a few days to process their thoughts. We’ve all been there, so be understanding, and before you know it, they’re back and wanting more.

Imagine now a few weeks have passed. The two of you have played around a bit and the kind of relationship you may have can be classified as companionship. Do not mix this with the title of relationship. There is a very fine line, one that straight men don’t like to cross because we all know men’s greatest struggle is to commit, especially in regard to titles.

You will find he will love coming along gay clubbing as your straight mate, and when you’re back in your room cuddling and no one is watching, well, use your imagination. When the week starts, he’s back to his straight life of sports training and putting on the bloke bravado until your next encounter.

Now if you can handle him taking pieces but not the whole cake, what you can have is something quite satisfying. That’s why, if this is the case, you must always observe Rule four.

Rule 4
Never fall in love with a straight man.

When the heart gets involved, it can go quite pear-shaped. If you find you are falling in love and the two of you can talk about it, do it and hopefully you guys can come to an understanding. Trust me, this can work. Follow the above rules, and the two of you can interact quite healthily until some defining event takes place, such as he starts dating a girl. This can easily be dealt with also.

The straight man will very rarely jump the fence to the rainbow side completely. If that is a risk you’re willing to take, simply don’t place expectations, and you won’t be disappointed.

Always remember that in any kind of relationship, your heart only gets hurt as much as you let it.

Published in Queensland Pride 2008.