Sometimes I write blog posts, then I delete them…

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Sometimes I write blog posts, then I delete them because I’m so afraid by putting the words out there that it will bring them into reality. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone, but something seems to hold me back. I don’t know why, but it just does. I hate the idea of feeling vulnerable, but even more I hate the idea of burdening others with my problems. I’m the person that’s meant to have it all together, I’m meant to be the rock, not the other way around.

I feel there’s this expectation on me.  I’m Chad,  you know the one that people look to for encouragement,  laughter, a person to turn to when things are tough and they need someone to just listen. I’m constantly surrounded by people,  yet there are times I feel so alone.  I even struggle to talk about things with my best friends. For instance,  last night I wanted to chat about some stuff that’s been on my mind that’s been bothering me,  but I struggled to even get the words out. When I finally did, my mate had already passed into the land of slumber. My timing is impeccable sometimes. I guess I was finally ready to talk, and when the words finally came out,  they fell on death’s ears.  Literally.

When it comes down to me,  a majority of the time it’s as if my lips are sealed.  I feel so scared of being vulnerable,  while at the same time I don’t want to burden people with my problems. I have so much going on in my life at the moment. Right now there’s a hundred thoughts going through my head,  and I don’t know what to do about them. I’m scared,  I feel like I’m losing it.  I’ve put so much effort into pretending I have it all together, but as of recently I’ve realised I don’t.  It’s like I’m a time bomb just ticking away,  where any minute it could explode. It’s only a matter of time.  I’ve got so many questions,  where I’m struggling to find the answers. But one question constantly plagues me,  “What do I do?”

Moments like this,  I feel like I’m losing my sanity.

My chest hurts...
Once seen as best friends, now just strangers with memories...

Author: Chad St James

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3 Comments

  1. Hells yes.

  2. All kinds of depressing and exhausting lol

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