Sometimes I write blog posts, then I delete them because I’m so afraid by putting the words out there that it will bring them into reality. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone, but something seems to hold me back. I don’t know why, but it just does. I hate the idea of feeling vulnerable, but even more I hate the idea of burdening others with my problems. I’m the person that’s meant to have it all together, I’m meant to be the rock, not the other way around.
I feel there’s this expectation on me. I’m Chad, you know the one that people look to for encouragement, laughter, a person to turn to when things are tough and they need someone to just listen. I’m constantly surrounded by people, yet there are times I feel so alone. I even struggle to talk about things with my best friends. For instance, last night I wanted to chat about some stuff that’s been on my mind that’s been bothering me, but I struggled to even get the words out. When I finally did, my mate had already passed into the land of slumber. My timing is impeccable sometimes. I guess I was finally ready to talk, and when the words finally came out, they fell on death’s ears. Literally.
When it comes down to me, a majority of the time it’s as if my lips are sealed. I feel so scared of being vulnerable, while at the same time I don’t want to burden people with my problems. I have so much going on in my life at the moment. Right now there’s a hundred thoughts going through my head, and I don’t know what to do about them. I’m scared, I feel like I’m losing it. I’ve put so much effort into pretending I have it all together, but as of recently I’ve realised I don’t. It’s like I’m a time bomb just ticking away, where any minute it could explode. It’s only a matter of time. I’ve got so many questions, where I’m struggling to find the answers. But one question constantly plagues me, “What do I do?”
Moments like this, I feel like I’m losing my sanity.