I have a friend. Let’s call him Thumper. Because he’s young dumb and full of cum. Not to mention the minute a hot girl comes into the picture he’s like a rabbit frozen to the spot caught in the line of a pair of upcoming headlights. Watership Down eat your heart out. Somehow I’ve found myself taking on the role of adopted big brother. Call me a glutton for punishment.
After spending most his younger years abroad, he had returned to the country and to his pleasant surprise discovered he’s a bit of a hit amongst the girls due to his attractive looks and an accent. For him it’s been like a little kid set free in a candy shop with no one saying don’t eat that. So saying he’s been playing the field is an understatement… he is the field.
I’m very much vocal about the importance of regular STD and STI checks. I live in the mentality if you’re sleeping with someone you have a responsibility to not just yourself but to the other person to know if you’re carrying any unwanted surprises. So needless to say I was a little taken back when I found out he had been screwing around without a condom and hadn’t had any regular STD/STI checks.
Taking on the overbearing big brother role, I informed him that he needs to get his shit together and do something about it. Yes, I may have come across a little nagging, but someone had to. One Monday Thumper sent me a text message informing me that he was going to get tested. Thumper was taking some responsibility and becoming a man.
Later that day he informed me he had chlamydia. Of course I gave him a round of applause in jest, and explained it could have been worse. So that left Thumper with getting treated and being told he had to abstain from sex for at least a week. Something that as it turns out was going to be quite the struggle for the then eighteen-year-old.
You see Thumper also has habit of finding himself in really awkward situations. He recently told me about his very hot neighbour (who we later found out was an exotic dancer) that lived next door. I remember distinctively telling him don’t shit in your own backyard it will without a doubt always cause trouble and trouble has a habit of following him. Later that week he comes up to me like an excited little school kid (well technically he’s not far of it) with a funny story to tell.
He proceeds to tell me about how his neighbour came over to hang out and he answered the door wearing just his boxer briefs. He explains the girl was rather impressed at what she saw and was quite vocal about it. Thumper being the cocky little shit that he is remarked along the lines that she’s seen more of him and that it was a bit unfair. I guess she liked the youthful confidence and next minute she’s undressing before his eyes. How he finds himself in these situations utterly astounds me.
I guess he instantly read my face of disapproval and swiftly assured me he wore a condom. I couldn’t help but be a little proud of my baby brother from another mother. At least he was trying. The last thing you’d want to do is risk giving your neighbour chlamydia. He sees that I’m pleased with this and has a big smile on his face as if he’s just been given a golden star. Then he pauses for a moment.
“Can you get chlamydia from giving blowjobs?”
And just like that everything went pear shape. He discovered pretty quickly his neighbour was a bit crazy after she broke into his room while he was away to raid his stash. So telling her he tested positive to chlamydia and that she should go get a check up in many ways was a godsend for him. It goes without saying she wanted nothing to do with him after that.
So guys remember to practice safe sex and for crying out loud get regular check ups. It’s better to know than not know.
– Special K
Rehab For The Fabulous: The rants of a somewhat fictional character.