I could have lived a Brokeback Mountain!

I could never live a brokeback mountainEarlier this morning I discovered that an ex of mine has had another baby. It’s a strange thought really. Let me put things into perspective, this was the girl I thought I’d marry, have babies and the whole white picket fence blah blah blah. Now don’t get me wrong I’m very happy for her. She’s happily married, has one step child and now two children of her own. The girl deserves it, she truly is one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever known, and really was the last girl I ever truly loved. I’ve always believed she would make an an amazing wife and an even better mother. It’s just strange when I think how much has changed over the years. Every now and then I think what could have been, but at the end of the day, me liking the same-sex really throws all of that completely out of the equation.


It’s just the one thing that I find remarkable about life, one choice can alter everything. I think that’s why it’s really important to be weary of the choices we make, they too often not only effect the individual making them, but also those around them. Every choice has a consequence, whether it’s good or bad, is how we choose to deal with them. Yes I could have chosen to have stayed with this girl, and the scary thing was I could have ignored my natural desire to be with the same-sex, but really what good would it have done? Yes I did love her, but it was completely emotional and in the end if I had stayed with her, I would have been living a lie where I would have slowly died on the inside.

Since then I also once “dated” a guy, who claimed to be “straight”, yes some could argue about this, but at the end of the day I see what the two of us had as a connection we shared between two people, it was never about sexuality and titles, it was simply about a love that had for each other . See, this particular person also taught me that “love was like perfection it comes in many different forms.” I remember at the time when we had our thing going, to the horror of my best friends, I honestly thought if what we had would continue, I would have to live a lie to his family, our friends and the rest of the world. Once again I found myself asking, could I have lived that lie? Possibly, but then again I realised I would have been living the same lie with the girl mentioned above.  I guess that’s why the movie Brokeback Mountain really hit home to me, I could have easily lived the life that Heath Ledger’s character was living, but really what kind of life would that have been?

Just another one of my random thoughts on this sunny Sunday morning.

"Becoming Chad St. James"

Author: Chad St James

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