He thought he was gay because of what went down in those cub scout days.
One of the projects next semester for college is a ten minute documentary. Pondering over numerous topics and reflecting on my life there is no denying there is an abundance of inspiration from what I’ve been through in life. As some of you guys are aware this year for me is one that is in many ways shaping myself into the person I want to be. A big thing is my name and in a few weeks making the name Chad St James official. At a later point I’ll most likely write a post explaining the importance, but to put it simply it is more to symbolise my true independence in the person I have become today without the ties to my family etc. I feel after 27 years the person I am now and in the future is someone who is no longer held back by my past mistakes, family etc.
So even though this doco project isn’t due until next semester I have already started chronicling the process that I will compile together for the finished product. Yesterday was the beginning of this. I took as some would say a trip down memory lane, for the first time in 15 years facing one of the darkest periods in my life. So here is an article we discovered in the newspaper archives dating right back to 1993.
Some maybe wondering why I can talk about this so publicly, and I’ll explain. For me I’ve always tried to be an open book. I live in the mentality what you see is what you get and if you don’t like it you can fuck right off! There is also this hope that by sharing aspects of my life that it may also inspire and give hope to others. This is the first time in a long time that I’ve actually chosen to revisit this period from my life. I’ll be honest the mixed emotions that came flooding back were pretty overwhelming, but it also got me thinking. The fact is we never truly get over anything in life, we just move on. The thing is all our life experiences shape us into who we are today so to simply say you got over something would mean it has had no affect on your life.
This now brings me to the title of this post, it is actually a lyric from a song that an old friend wrote inspired by my experience and some of my writing. Yes there was a point that I used to think this to be so, and I even once had a pastor who said because of my cub scout experiences a demon was passed into me that made me gay. There is no denying my time in Cub Scouts had a very massive effect on my life, and some who might read this, would most likely jump to the conclusion oh that is why he is gay etc. I will right now explain one very fundamental thing this conclusion is not the case. I am gay, bi or whatever you want to class me as simply because I was born this way.
Now what am I trying to archieve out of this post? With all honesty no idea, I guess for me I am just sharing a part of my life that so many people struggle to talk about and is often seen as a taboo, to bring some awareness and unlike so many, I’m just trying to be real. xo