A kaleidoscope with my thoughts.


The balcony door is left slightly ajar and I can hear the sound of the occasional car going by.  I find it’s late at night,  when I’m alone and the TV is switched off that I find myself flooded with thoughts. Thoughts about the past,  present and future. I suppose I find myself in a vulnerable state where I have no option but to hold an internal dialogue of sorts with myself. Sometimes I think the distractions of life sometimes get in the way of communing with ourselves and getting a grasp on what we’re really feeling and trying to understand it. It’s also these nights that are sometimes nice to be curled up with someone in an embrace as you decide to share what’s on you mind or simply lay in silence knowing you’re not alone.

A lot of people see me as confident, yet I’m more insecure then they will probably ever know. I’d like to say I honestly don’t care what people think, but at the same time I’m so scared that I might disappoint people. A lot of the time I will jump over backwards for people, but I find it a struggle to go to the effort of a little self preservation for myself. When I do, I feel selfish. I like to believe I can save everyone,  but recently I’ve had to deal with the harsh reality that I can’t. I am but one person,  not an omnipresent all powerful being. But it doesn’t stop me from trying. I believe in love even though I feel I’ve had my time with it. I believe love is like perfection, it comes in many different forms. It is this very belief that gives me hope that there is still so much more of it to discover. However,  I sometimes find myself asking,  am I open to it?

I’ve embraced sadness knowing that it’s only then that I can understand true happiness.  I see faces of the past,  the present, and how they fit into my future. The reality is some of those float away like pieces of driftwood. But there are some that are worth holding onto as long as time permits. Because  they bring something different. A new breath of life. Perhaps that is why I long for that certain touch.  That connection, that little explosion enlightening you with the knowledge that it’s still out there.

There are some days when I’m walking that can’t help but break into a little skip, simply because I can and it brings back the youthful innocence that I’m not quite ready to say goodbye to. Perhaps that why to this day I still leave a window or my balcony doors open while I’m sleep. I’m 30 years old, and I’m still subconsciously  waiting to be taken to the second star to the right and straight on ’til morning. In the meantime, I shall simply remain a kaleidoscope with my thoughts.

Do not call me an advocate for homosexuality, it pisses me off!
Great moments in interspecies relationships.

Author: Chad St James

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